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Last Night in Illinois (773)

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My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

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didn't stop?

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naw, they were rude, not me.

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(773): My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family. (1-773): didn't stop? (773): naw, they were rude, not me. http://tfl.nu/qm1i

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Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

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You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note. (773): You spelled "worthless" wrong. http://tfl.nu/9hc9

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If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?

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(773): If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk? http://tfl.nu/dsva

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yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.

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(773): yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL. http://tfl.nu/77cs

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I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(773): I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier. http://tfl.nu/8q8j

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you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(773): you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE" http://tfl.nu/3baz

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Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.

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(773): Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize. http://tfl.nu/tfim

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If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.

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(773): If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time. http://tfl.nu/jwbd

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I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.

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(773): I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs. http://tfl.nu/mtng

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Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.

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(773): Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes. http://tfl.nu/1msh

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Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.

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(773): Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best. http://tfl.nu/zgnw

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Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night

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(773): Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night http://tfl.nu/mw5s

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our cab driver is having phone sex.

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(773): our cab driver is having phone sex. http://tfl.nu/swow

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CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)

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How many people did you send this to?

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(773): CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;) (1-773): How many people did you send this to? http://tfl.nu/75gb

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Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.

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(773): Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success. http://tfl.nu/sqly

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Last Night in Illinois (773)

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